A Layperson's Guide to Surviving the Sandwich Years

A few years ago, Breeda Miller was in the middle of the classic "Caregiver Sandwich."

You've heard of that. The term "Sandwich Generation" was coined as a sort of buzz word several years ago, referring primarily to caregivers who find themselves "sandwiched" in between caring for their children and their elder parents or other family members. Obviously, while the Sandwich Generation is not a new form of family caregiving, these caregivers are receiving long overdue interest within American society.

Breeda Miller will present "Surviving the Caregiver Sandwich with Humor and Grace" at 7 p.m. on Tuesday, November 18 at the High School Auditorium. Admission is Free.

In Breeda's case, over an eight-year period, she was parenting her three teenaged children, caring for her mother as she approached her end of life, and working full time. None of the three roles is easy, as Breeda can attest -- but she approached each new challenge with a goal of having "no regrets."

"I won't say I was a saint," she says. "I don't know if I did everything right. But I did the best I could at the moment, and this is one of the things I am proudest of doing."

After her mother's passing, Breeda sought a way to bring meaning to this unique life experience, as well as a way to keep her mom's memory alive. Drawing on her talents as a writer, speaker, actor, and teacher, she developed a presentation to help others in similar situations.

In "Surviving the Caregiver Sandwich with Humor and Grace," Breeda talks from her heart about the stressful situation of being a Sandwich Generation caregiver.

"One of the greatest compliments I've received on this program is that it's from the perspective of a lay person," she says. "I'm not a professional. I'm doing this for other family caregivers who also have no special training, no plan ... they are simply thrust into this situation, and trying to manage resources and deal with things, figuring it out as they go along. And having that recognized has been so fulfilling."

She has given this presentation across the country as a keynote and plenary speaker, for health care institutes and hospices, for professional organizations and corporations. But she's never actually done it in her home town of Manchester. Until now.

"I have been talking for a while with (Superintendent) Cherie Vannatter about doing my Caregiver Sandwich program for the community," she says. "The date is set for 7 p.m. on November 18, at the High School Auditorium. Admission will be free -- this is my gift to our community."

Breeda also plans to reach out to the Community Resource Center, churches, doctors' offices and other local resources that serve people who are caregivers, to help get the word out and invite everyone interested in this topic to join the event. Volunteer support organizations are also invited to have informational tables in the high school Commons area so audience members can learn about resources that are available to them locally.

"No one ever plans to be put in this situation," she explains. "This simply compounds your stress and anxiety. You try not to be resentful. You are simply doing the best you can from day to day and it can be so isolating. But there is help out there. There are resources and support available; you just have to know where to look."

Breeda's presentation is filled with stories and anecdotes about how she was able to be resourceful and find the support she needed when times got tough.

"One of the biggest differences of being a caregiver for an elder rather than an infant, toddler or a child," she says, "is, when you're caring for small children you're always  surrounded by your peers; there's support, you're sharing helpful hints, resources all the time. But when you're caring for an elderly person you don't have the same connections. And yet, there are new challenges each day, and no frame of reference for what's normal, or what stage comes next."

The most important message that Breeda gives during her presentation is reminding caregivers how important it is to care for oneself. Just as when you fly, the instructions are to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to help others, you must be physically and mentally whole in order to provide the best care for your loved ones--no matter which side of the sandwich they are on.

"We have to give ourselves permission for that self-care, and we also have to preserve the dignity of those we care for," she says. "If we can do that and maintain our sense of humor, we can handle the stress."

And that's the message of hope she wants to share with the Manchester community.

"I don't have all the answers, but this is a place where people can share, and some dialogue can begin, and people's eyes can be opened," she says. "There is no easy way to do it -- you can't do it all."

Come laugh, learn, and be uplifted on November 18. For more information, visit breedamiller.com.

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by Marsha Chartrand

Marsha Johnson Chartrand, a founder, writer, and copy editor with the Manchester Mirror, is a 50-year resident of Manchester. She has a long history of volunteer and community involvement.