Let’s Talk About Death

Death can be a tough topic to talk about but it is also important to do so.

by Laurie D. Brewis

There. I said it. Death. As an estate planning and probate attorney, I speak with people daily about their end-of-life plans, or, even more often, about what to do when there is no plan in place. It’s a topic of conversation most of us avoid. Yet, think about all of the life events that are planned to the extreme: weddings, higher education savings, vacations, a new baby, just to mention a few. However, many Americans do not plan or discuss their final wishes. A 2024 Consumer Reports Survey of 2,042 adults in the U.S., 50% said they planned or intended to plan either for their own funeral or for someone else’s. The catch is “intended to plan.” We all know it is a good idea. We all will get around to it. But most of us never do.

Why this is a tough topic

Most people would rather have the “birds-and-bees” conversation with their parents or children rather than discuss their end of life. If you take a minute to understand why you are avoiding this conversation, it may help you open up and get this topic on the table. According to Legacy.com, there are 6 common reasons most of us avoid the topic of death:

1. We don’t feel prepared – Maybe we are in debt, have not saved enough or do not know how our children would manage financially if we died. These uncertainties can keep us from discussing death – or even preparing for it by writing a will or pre-planning our funeral.
2. It is unsettling to think about our mortality – Of course, the finality and uncertainty that surrounds death can be frightening. Sure, the idea of “living every day as if it were your last” makes for great song lyrics, but constantly being aware of death can leave most of us feeling anxious and uncomfortable.
3. We don’t want to traumatize our loved ones – We believe that discussing our death will be unsettling to those around us, and this may be the reality. I certainly didn’t want to discuss death with my parents. I and definitely didn’t want to discuss death with my children. We care a great deal about those closest to us and we understandably, we don’t want to see them upset or sad.
4. We fear a family dispute – As an estate planning and probate attorney, I can confirm that talking about end-of-life planning, funeral wishes, inheritance, especially who will make these decisions and what decisions they will make, can be very tough for many families. Family dynamics aside, talking with your family about what you want to happen with your remains after you die, or what medical treatments you may or may not want at the end of your life, are topics that bring out strong feelings. Strong feelings that can make tempers flare, leave feelings hurt, and destroy relationships.
5. It makes us think about all we haven’t accomplished – Thinking about our mortality forces us to review that long bucket list of unchecked adventures that may go undone because we didn’t live as long as we had subconsciously planned we would. This forces a self-evaluation and life review that can be unnerving.
6. We feel bad about asking loved ones to do work on our behalf – Asking someone to take care of a task we know is not necessarily pleasant is may be difficult for us. Planning a funeral and settling an estate typically requires tremendous time and energy. It is just easier to avoid the topic altogether.

Realistically, we still know that avoiding the death discussion does not make potential issues go away. It simply delays, and more likely than not, exacerbates them. When your family and friends don’t know what your true wishes are, it can lead to turmoil in an already sad and stressful time.

Designate a “Funeral Advocate.”

In 2016, Michigan passed the Funeral Representative Designation Act or “FRDA”. The purpose of the FRDA is to allow Michigan residents to designate someone they trust, not necessarily a family member, to plan their funeral, or carry out their last wishes. Prior to this law, the “next of kin” were automatically designated to carry out this task. Imagine, for example, a person that died and left no spouse, but left 5 children. All of the children had to agree. If they could not agree, the choice of the majority prevailed, even if it wasn’t what their parent wanted. The FRDA is intended to avoid these conflicts by allowing you to appoint a funeral representative in your will, in your patient advocate designation, or in a separate writing as long as it is dated, signed before a notary public, or signed in the presence of two other witnesses. Once properly designated, this person will be able to decide whether or not your will be buried or cremated, and how your cremated remains will be kept. Your representative is liable for coordinating the payment of the costs associated with your funeral from your estate or trust, though you can indicate that you do not expect them to be personally liable.

If you don’t designate a funeral representative, by default the following, in this order, that are 18 or older, are presumed to have the authority to make decisions regarding funeral arrangements and disposition of remains:

• Your surviving spouse
• Your children
• Your grandchildren
• Your parents
• Your grandparents
• Your siblings
• Any descendant of your parents who first notifies the funeral establishment in possession of the your body
• Any descendant of your grandparents who first notifies the funeral establishment in possession of your body
• The personal representative or nominated personal representative of your probate estate.

Options for Your Remains

Many people are unaware of the options they have available for their body after they die. Below is a brief summary of some of the most popular options:

Just put me in a box. I don’t want a ceremony.

Traditional Burial

Still a popular choice among many people. A traditional burial often includes embalming, a casket, a concrete vault, a headstone, visitation and viewing services, and a graveside service. According to the Federal Trade Commission’s Funeral Rule program, a funeral home must give you a list of its goods and services when you call or visit.

Traditional burial funerals tend to be the most expensive option. The cost of a traditional burial averages $9,995.00 based on the 2023 National Funeral Directors Association’s Member General Price List Study.

Did you know that you can also save money by purchasing a casket, or even a cremation urn, on Amazon or at Costco? These options may provide a way to save money and provide a way to prepay for your casket or urn.

Cremation

Cremation is currently the “favorite exit strategy” among Americans. According to the National Funeral Directors Association, cremation accounts for 60.5% of their business versus 34.5% for traditional burials.

Cremation has options as well. There is direct cremation, which is the least expensive and most straight-forward. Your body is not embalmed, generally not presented for a viewing, and is cremated immediately. The average price of direct cremation ranges from $2,000.00 to $3,390.00, depending on the service area. You may also find really low prices like $595.00, but just make sure you know what you’re paying for since these prices don’t include things like transporting the body, which still needs to be done. Obviously, if you choose to have a traditional funeral home viewing prior to cremation, there are likely additional costs for embalming, viewing service, etc.

The National Cremation Society has a website where you can pre-purchase direct cremation services on-line or over the phone. Their information can be found at www.nationalcremationsociety.com.

If cremation ends up being your choice, make sure to determine what you’d like done with your cremains after the procedure is completed. This is definitely a discussion to have with your family. Your family may not want to have your cremains on their mantle for the rest of their lives, and there will need to be a plan for what happens to them once the family member who knew you are also gone. Cremains can be buried and sometimes, the first to pass in a couple is held until the second passes so that they only pay cemetery fees once. Scattering cremains is also a popular option, but I caution you to check the rules first. For example, you can sprinkle cremains in parts of Yosemite National Park, but you need permission.

Other creative options for cremains that exist are having your ashes mixed into the soil to nourish a tree, mixing your ashes in paint to create your portrait, mixing ashes with tatoo ink, or creating a piece of glass jewelry. For an extensive list of options, see the “60 Beautiful Ideas of What to do With Ashes: Advice from a Widow” at https://cremationinstitute.com/what-to-do-with-ashes/

Natural or “Green” Burial

Natural burial, also known as green burial, emphasizes simplicity and environmental responsibility. The process involves interring the body in a biodegradable coffin or shroud without the use of embalming chemicals, concrete vaults, or non-biodegradable materials. The goal is to allow the body to decompose naturally and return to the earth, enriching the soil and contributing to new life. According the NFDA, the cost of a green burial is $2,000.00 to $5,000.00.

Key components of a natural burial include the use of biodegradable materials, such as coffins or shrouds made from untreated wood, wicker, or cotton, which decompose over time. There is no embalming, which prevents the introduction of toxins into the soil and groundwater. Elaborate headstones are replaced with grave markers that are natural stones, native plants, or GPS coordinates. And the burial grounds are often designed to preserve and enhance the natural landscape to promote biodiversity and conservation.

Where traditional burials and cremation consume significant energy and resources, natural burial relies on minimal intervention. Additionally, by eliminating embalming chemicals and concrete vaults, natural burial helps protect water quality in surrounding areas.

Natural burial may allow for more personalized and meaningful ceremonies. Families can participate in the burial process, planting trees or wildflowers at the gravesite, creating living memorials that grow and change over time.

According to an article in Bridge Michigan, as green burials catch on in Michigan, controversy has followed as local governments decide how and whether to make way for an unfamiliar practice.

In 2023, 60% of people surveyed by the NFDA expressed an interest in green burial. Michigan’s laws generally support green burial, which is helping drive interest. The law doesn’t require embalming or burial vaults and includes no requirements for grave depth. The law makes no distinction between conventional or green burial, and Michigan has no specific regulations governing green burial practices. This means that green burials are technically allowable in any cemetery.

Currently, there are at least 16 Michigan cemeteries offering green burials with more coming in the future as this option continues to gain popularity.

The Options Continue to Expand

Other Options that can be considered that are gaining popularity nationally are water cremation, donating your body to science, or burial at sea.

How Will You Pay For Your Funeral? 

If making sure that the cost of your funeral is not transferred to your loved ones, determining how you will pay for your funeral is also an important discussion and decision.

First, you can open a bank account that is dedicated to paying for your funeral expenses. You can have this account “payable on death” to your trust, or to the person you’ve appointed to be your funeral representative. When the time comes, the money is transferred as designated.

You may also pay in advance. You can purchase a burial plot, and also prepay for all of your funeral services. According to the nonprofit organization Funeral Consumers Alliance (FCA) this idea could be challenging if the funeral home closes, or if you don’t tell your surviving family and friends that you purchased this service, and it goes unused.

Lastly, burial insurance pays money to your survivors when you die to cover your funeral expenses. Some funeral home agents and brokers offer “pre-need” insurance that allows you to pick a funeral package and the payout goes to a specific funeral home after your death. If you elect this route, the FCA recommends you fully understand any policy that you purchase. According to the FCA, you’ll likely spend more on premiums than the policy pay-out and some policies also have waiting periods. If you die too soon, your survivors may get far less than the full amount.

How to Start the Conversation

As we already know, death is often an unspoken subject around our friends and family. There is really no right or wrong way to approach this conversation. Share this article with your friends and family and let them know that it made your think about your own funeral arrangements or ask them what they have planned. The goal is to take the first step and get the discussion about death started and remove it from the “taboo topics” list. Every person I have ever assisted in putting a plan together has told me that, once they were done planning, they felt enormous relief. The most important step is the first step.

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by Sara Swanson

Sara Swanson is an editor, writer and founder of the Manchester Mirror.